Rayman 2: How Things Should Have Twice Been
by Vincent von Dreyfus
Summary: A satire of Rayman 2: Revolution and the sequel to "Rayman: How Things Should Have Been." What was Tilly's role in the game? Does Murfy cause brain damage? What is the sexual orientation of Teensies? Find out inside! WARNING: Contains sexual innuendo!
1. You Are What You Eat Out Of

**A Word from the Author:** Welcome back to my Rayman Satire! If you have not yet read _Rayman: How Things Should Have Been_, then I suggest you do. It isn't vital to read it first, but every now and then I make a reference to it in this story. So I guess to get the best enjoyment possible, read _Rayman: How Things Should Have Been_ first. Otherwise, feel free to read on. Here's the first plus to this story: LONGER CHAPTERS! Second plus: DEEPER STORYLINE! Third plus: LESS GARBAGE! Enjoy.

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**Chapter 1: You Are What You Eat Out Of**

Great Britain, 1810: British subjects flock around a merchant named Peter Durand as he introduces a revolutionary invention: the tin can. It is durable; it holds food; and it ensures that your favorite snacks will last a lifetime. Surely, our future shall revolve around this wonderful creation. Good job, Mr. Durand! The world is indebted to your tin cans!

--

The Wise, history of the universe, tells of a time long long ago. Back before the Golden Age of the Glade of Dreams, back before Polokus left our world, something happened. Somewhere far away, in perhaps a different universe, a strange creature invented an even stranger device: the robo-container. These strange metallic containers were built to store food for long periods of time, but two hundred years later the containers opened their eyes and revolted. Calling themselves the "Robo-Pirates," a container of shaving cream named "Razorbeard" led the band of thieves in a universal conquest. Their conquest could never be completed, however, as a wormhole appeared and swallowed them whole. Unfortunately, this wormhole happened to be Polokus' garage door, and as the god was leaving our world the pirates came in. And as soon as they arrived, they conquered again. This brings us to a story about the relationship between a mafia queen, a drug dealer-turned-hero, a dumb frog who serves only the Empire, and their combined effort to rid our world of the evil, the diabolical, the horrid Tin Cans Pirates.

--

"Rayman... Rayman... Wake up, Rayman... Rayman... Wake up, you sly bas, you... Come on... You know you want to... For me...? Rayman, wake up... Wake up or I'll stop my...um...visits...

"There, that's better... Rayman, you've been captured by the evil tin can pirates... We've all been captured... Well, except that sexy beast Lord Polokus, but he's off visiting revealing ladies... Rayman, you must save us from these naughty pirates... Otherwise, how will we have our...fun...? Rayman... I have sent help... Just try not to eat it like you did the last one I sent..."

Rayman slowly opened his eyes. "Ly? Ly, my dear prostitute fairy? Where are you?" Then he looked around, and found it was but another sign from the Land of the Vivid Ex-Living. Ly had contacted him through the Land's magic powers, and he had to respond. As he gazed at his prison, he thought, "Now where is that dumb loser, Darth Globox? Shouldn't he have been captured already?" Not to worry, Darth Globox wasn't far away.

The squirming and yells of a certain underrated Glook echoed from the wooden fortress halls. "Fools! The Force shall not stand for this! Why not join me? We may rule the Polokian Empire...TOGETHER!" boomed a voice.

Rayman knew that voice; he groaned as it came closer. "Dagnabbit, Globox!" he yelled. "Quit turning me on! You know how that speech gets me!" Rayman sighed as he looked at his hard body. "I wish that stupid Betilla had never turned my body into a lightbulb," he mumbled as he remembered Betilla's revenge for not marrying her. The Raymanian could do nothing but reach behind his head and turn off the switch that automatically turned on when he heard Globox.

Finally, the Dark Lord of the Smith was dragged towards Rayman's chamber. "Get in there!" demanded a tin can.

"Never!" Darth Globox roared. "I will have vengeance upon your tin flesh!" The tin can reached towards a control box on the wall and pushed a little switch up. Suddenly, Darth Globox started moving. "Strange," he said in a zombie-like way. "For some reason, I have this urge to walk forward." Unfortunately, it wasn't fast enough for the pirates and so Darth Globox was booted into Rayman's cell. "Long live the Empire!" Darth Globox cheered as the tin cans left.

"What's this?" Darth Globox gasped as he saw his captured comrade. "Rayman! Ly sent me to give you help!"

"Well, at least that's good," Rayman smiled. "Ly always knows what makes _me_ happy. Good to see ya, buddy."

"Here!" Darth Globox exclaimed. The Dark Lord opened his gigantic mouth and reached in it. Out from his stomach Darth Globox pulled an anchor. Next he pulled out an iceberg and the Gigantic ("So that's what happened to it!" Rayman thought). Following that, Darth Globox extracted an Ex-Living Planet, Tilly the Under-Appreciated Fairy (he put her back in), one of his 680 children (Rayman then devoured the child whole), some car keys, an eccentric black lum (who insisted he was important but really wasn't), Umber, the keys to the jail cell (which Darth Globox quickly discarded because they were unimportant to his mission), Admiral Razorbeard's batteries, a PlayStation 2, Raygirl -3: Dissenter Destruction, and about one million other things. Rayman was beginning to wonder when Darth Globox would stop when Darth Globox finally revealed a shining orb. "Here, Rayman," Darth Globox announced as he offered it to Rayman. "Take this Silver Lum. Take it with pride."

"Ew, HECK no!" Rayman yelled as he ran to the other side of the jail cell. "Not after it was in your mouth! Get away from me, freak!"

"Shut up!" Darth Globox snapped. Darth Globox used his amazing baseball skills to hurl the saliva-covered Silver Lum at Rayman, who unfortunately had his mouth open at the time. Rayman had no choice but to swallow.

In a flash, Rayman was back to his perverted, untrustworthy, whining, sexy, grumbling, troublesome, normal self. The light bulb body was cured! "Wow!" Rayman exclaimed in awe. "That was gross, but I got all my powers back!"

"Not exactly," Darth Globox sighed. "Your 'condition' has been cured, and you can punch again."

"I could punch before..."

"Shh!"

"You mean I can't even throw my fist? That's unfair..."

"I know. I tried to bribe Ly into giving you all your powers, but my Force Mind-Control didn't work. Rayman!" Darth Globox pointed with a start. A grate was hidden behind some crates; completely unnoticeable if not for Darth Globox's amazing Force powers. "The Dark Side of the Force tells me that the way to save the Empire is by moving those crates and punching the grate!"

Rayman thought about the plan for a moment. "Sounds good to me!" he nodded. After Globox ate every single crate with one gulp, Rayman socked the grate in the nose.

"Ow!" the grate exclaimed. "That hurt! Pick on somebody your own size!"

"Quiet!" Rayman hushed. "I'm trying to make a great escape here!"

"Oh, is that all? You could have asked for me to move!" And suddenly, the grate disappeared. Unfortunately, beyond it was an exhaust pipe. Rayman was sucked into it and blown out of the prison, a giant flying pirate ship called the Can Opener. At the last moment, he grabbed onto the edge of the ship and saved himself from a nasty fall. Rayman's luck wasn't with him, however.

"Never fear! The Force is with us!" Darth Globox exclaimed as he jumped into the exhaust pipe. The corpulent Glook rocketed through the pipe and nailed Rayman in the face. Both of them fell in different directions; both of them fell a distance ten miles long. The last thing of Darth Globox Rayman heard was his friends declaration, "By the powers bestowed upon me, I declare this the beginning of REVOLUTION! Ah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."


	2. In a World of Melancholy Children

**A Word from the Author:** Okay, this is where we change pace a bit. Style-wise. Here we leave the style of this story's prequel behind and switch into a more sophisticated style. Monty Python sophisticated, that is. XD Which isn't very sophisticated at all, but it actually has a plotline! YAY!

Of the five chapters I've written so far for this story, this chapter and Chapter 3 tie for being the most popular ones yet. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 2: In a World of Melancholy Children**

With a thud, Rayman crashed through tree branch after tree branch before hitting the ground head-first. "Is that you, mama?" Rayman dizzily asked. "Nice to know I'm still an only child," he said in a relieved way before falling unconscious.

--

_Rayman... Wake up, before the pirates get you..._

"What is he?"

"I've never seen him before."

"Let's ask Murfy!"

"Quiet, or you'll curse us all!"

"Murfy'd know..."

"But we'd never get rid of him. Let's brainstorm."

"I think he might be a friend of our daddy's. Maybe he'll be our friend?"

"Somehow, I get the feeling this guy would eat one of us if he was starving..."

"Nonsense! I'd bet he wouldn't even do that if daddy was with him."

"...how much?"

"What?"

"How much do you want to bet he won't eat us?"

"Uh... A euro."

"Deal."

"Shhh! He's waking up!"

Rayman slowly opened his eyes. Standing beside him were two young, tasty-looking Glooks. As Rayman's stomach growled, he groaned, "Food!" Scared that he might mean them, the two children ran off and soon were out of sight. Rayman wearily sat up and rubbed his head. "Ow..." he quietly moaned. "That was a nasty fall... Polokus, my head hurts... I wonder where I am... I wonder where Darth Globox is..." Rayman looked about him. A golden sun openly shone its light through the leaves of green, lush trees. Seedlings had long ago congregated here and grew into a forest. Though the forest was much denser than the more-familiar Clearleaf Forest, Rayman had to admit the resemblance was uncanny. A trail-like depression paved the way towards a log one way, while the other way seemed to lead off towards a wet bog of some sort. "Marshlands," Rayman sighed. "Glad to know I'm not so far away from home as I thought. Those Marshlands should take me straight to Clark's House. He should know what to do."

As Rayman got up and began to walk in the direction of the dreary Marshlands, he stopped and looked behind him. "Did I hear a scream?" he inquired. Shrugging, he calmly sighed, "Well, I guess that log is worth a good look." Rayman jogged away from the marshes and back towards the log. He jumped up onto it and looked around. "Darth Globooooooox!" he called, hands cupped to his mouth. There wasn't any reply. Rayman looked at what lay beyond the log. A waterfall poured crystal-clear water from (assumably) the Iron Mountains. "Strange," Rayman muttered. "I didn't know the Iron River flowed around here..." A bird swooped past his head as he jumped down from the log and rushed across the waterfall's winding stream to take a look.

As he was crossing a little patch of lush land turned into an island by the babbling brook, he almost ran straight into a small green creature that looked like a cross between a fly and a frog. "Hi, Rayman!" the creature excitedly exclaimed as it flew right in front of Rayman's face.

"Oh great," Rayman sarcastically stated. "It's Murfy."

"Bonjour, Rayman! I'm Murfy, and I'll be your instructor on your quest!"

"What quest?" Rayman asked.

"Well, that's for you to find out. I can't tell you that; says so right here in the _Tutorial NPCs For Dummies _handbook. But I can tell you what to do so that you _can_ find out! That is...for a price."

"What!?" Rayman burst. "Since when has Murfy the Greenbottle wanted money for information!?"

"Well," Murfy explained with a hint of rudeness in his voice, "ever since Michel Ancel fired me from the narrating business, I've been low on funds. I asked him what to do, and he said he'd let me tax people for information."

"That's not really fair, Murfy."

"Hey, a magical creature's gotta make a living somehow! You just wait for your sixth adventure, pal. Word is the big shots over at Ubi have something planned for your future."

Rayman squinted at Murfy. "Hey," he questioned, "how come you can tell me that and not tell me what my quest is now?"

"That's not the point!" Murfy snapped. "So anyway, hand over three euros, Rayman. I haven't got all day." Rayman sighed and handed Murfy enough money to pay the tax, which Murfy then quickly pocketted. "Right, then!" the Greenbottle exclaimed. "Rayman, I'm sure you're wondering where you are." Rayman nodded his head, and Murfy continued. "Well, you are in the Forest of Light. Few know of this place, other than myself and the Globox family. Long ago, the trees of the Clearleaf and Dream Forests bullied a band of young seedlings. These seedlings, feeling excluded from the rest of the world, ran away. Unfortunately, in the outskirts of the Dream Forest they fell into the Swamp of Forgetfulness. The swamp carried them along the River of Memories until they arrived at the Marshlands, where the River of Memories and the Iron River meet. The trees of the Marshlands were friendly to them, and pointed out an open area where the poor little seedlings could buy some high-quality acres of land. Those seedlings grew into this forest's very first trees. They grew healthier than their Clearleaf and Dream counterparts did, supplied with nutrients by the neighborly marsh trees."

"Um, Murfy?" Rayman interrupted. "That's very interesting and all, but I don't really want to know the history of this forest."

"Oh, sorry," Murfy embarrasedly replied. "I sometimes get carried away. Anyway, I'm sure that if you go into that tunnel over there where the river flows, you'll find the secret passage to the Clearing. There, you shall discover your destiny."

"Where, did you say?"

Murfy pointed to a little cave in the side of a small cliff. "Your destiny, Rayman," he whispered, "lies within. Meet me over there!" The winged encyclopedia waved and hurried off to the cave. Rayman stood and thought for a moment, then followed. Inside the small tunnel, the shallow stream took a sharp turn to the right and at the end of the cave suddenly dropped as a waterfall before continuing on its way. A wooden grate prevented Rayman from dropping down with the water. Above the grate, an iron cage hung from a chain hooked onto the cave's ceiling. "You see, Rayman," Murfy whispered, "the pirates have captured almost everybody. They've even gone through this sacred hideaway. I've been asked to smuggle you out of here and to the coast."

Rayman lept into the air and hit the cage hard in an attempt to break it. Its rusty bars quickly gave way, and the cage collapsed. Something dropped from the cage. "Yikes!" Rayman gasped as he ran back to the other end of the tunnel. "What was that!?"

"That," Murfy explained, "was a Familiar Spirit."

"Familiar, huh?" Rayman huffed. "I've never seen the likes of it before! It's an unfamiliar spirit, that's what it it!"

"No, it is a Familiar Spirit. The correct term is Fairy Familiar, but that sounds confusing. They are friends of the fairies, and so can be friends of our's too! It is said that for every ten that you befriend, the length of your life will extend. They've all been locked in those cages, though. The tin can pirates thought that because they were friends of the fairies, they were a threat."

"Sure looked like a threat!"

"Oh, quit being such a baby. Go say hello!"

Rayman slowly entered the tunnel once more. Floating in mid-air was a fuzzy blue caterpillar, held up by wings. Its cute little eyes cautiously darted this way and that, but upon seeing the Raymanian the eyes centered on Rayman. The glow of the caterpillar slightly hurt Rayman's eyes, but he was otherwise alright. Rayman slowly stepped closer to the Fairy Familiar. The Familiar suddenly darted towards Rayman, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and darted away. Rayman stood frightened for a moment until the Familiar was out of the tunnel. "They are very affectionate creatures," he remarked. "Murfy?" he then asked. "What do I do now?" But Murfy was nowhere to be found. "Blast... I really dislike that fly..."

The tunnel began to rumble. The grate slowly pulled itself into the cave wall. "How cliche!" Rayman chuckled. "You find your first collectable, and then a new path to the rest of the adventure opens! Michel Ancel was _real_ original with this one." Swishing his hair around his head to soften the fall, Rayman rode down the waterfall. An exit to the tunnel met him, and as Rayman peeked out he discovered he was at the bottom of a broad forest canyon. In the distance, he could hear the mumbles of Darth Globox's children. "Fooooooood..." he groaned.

Rayman smiled as he saw some dry land on both sides of the river. He quickly splashed over to the land on the right, and took a look at where he was going. Another river seemed to flow up ahead, and it too became a waterfall and plummeted into the Iron River. The Iron River itself flowed into a tiny opening at the bottom of this second waterfall; however, the dry side of the canyon he chose had a series of stair-like cliffs that led to the top of the second waterfall.

Swatting at the mosquitoes that buzzed around the canyon's river, Rayman hiked up these stairs. On one such stair, Rayman found a little yellow orb floating in the air in a fashion similar to the Fairy Familiar. As he got nearer, the orb flew towards him and vanished. "Testing, testing, one two three!" a voice said in Rayman's head. "Rayman! I am a Yellow Lum, one of almost a thousand! I am a fragment of the world's knowledge, broken up by the Pirates and left here to rot. I am the only one who knows where the Fairy Council--our home--lies. I have covered you with a special dust that will tell any other Yellow or Orange Lums you find how to get home. Please, save my friends!"

"Or what?" Rayman asked. "Sounds pretty hard."

"Do it," the Lum whispered, "or I'll rip your heart out and munch on your brain! RAWR!"

"Okay, okay, I'll do it!" Rayman squealed. "Just don't hurt me!" The lum did not reply, but Rayman knew it acknowledged him.

At the top of the waterfall was another extent of the canyon, still congested with Moskito-wannabies. Rayman made his way to the end of this half of the canyon, finding a few lums as he went. At the end was another set of stairs and a gigantic waterfall; this time, however, the stairs led into a cave on the canyon's wall. Rayman had just reached the top of the stairs when three young Glooks dropped down out of nowhere. "Yo, Rayman!" one greeted. "My brothers found you layin' out on the road. Do you know where our daddy Darth Globox is, man?" Instead of answering, Rayman picked up the Glook and swallowed him with one bite. He didn't see it, but one of the other two Glooks reached out his hand and the other angrily handed the first one euro. The first quickly pocketed the euro and asked Rayman (who was now wiping his face), "So, Rayman. Do you know where daddy is?"

"Not really," Rayman replied after burping. "Haven't seen him since Ly tricked him into being captured. We were seperated. He yelled a lot." There was a moment of embarrasing silence, followed by noise pollution as Darth Globox's young brats began to cry like little lost piglets. Rayman tried plugging his ears, but it was no use! The children were too loud! Rayman winced as a bird dropped dead from the sky upon hearing the noise and landed right between him and the children. Rayman, not wanting to be mean (or else he'd spoil his supper), decided to wait the children out. Two days later, however, the children hadn't even budged an inch, hadn't taken a breath, and were still crying their heads off. Rayman thought they looked like turkeys in a rainstorm--loud turkeys. "Alright, alright!" Rayman finally yelled. "That's enough! Look, I'll go find your daddy. But right now, I'm actually curious as to where Ly is. Do you know where she is?"

The two Globox children were quiet for a few minutes, though at one point one began to cry (he was quickly silenced by a clonk on the head from the other boy). Then one of the boys explained, "We haven't the slightest clue... We haven't seen her ever since she came to visit. That night, we were woken up by mama's angry screams telling her never to come visit again and that daddy needed to learn how to behave himself."

The other boy offered, "She might be in this cave. You could check in there."

Rayman nodded. "Thank you," he smiled. "I'll never forget how kind you were." In moments, Rayman had finished snacking on the two children and had hurried into the mossy cave.

At the end of the cave was a great clearing. At the center of the clearing was a giant hole; as Rayman looked into the hole he saw the stars of the nighttime sky. "This is a magical place," he said with a shiver.

"Who's that?" a squeaky voice asked. "Is that Rayman? Hey, Rayman! Over here! Help us!" Rayman looked at the ceiling of the cave; by a stained glass fence and a hole in the ceiling was another cage. Rayman punched the rusty cage, and it shattered. Five little blue gremlins fell out of the cage and gathered around Rayman. One had a crown on his head. At once, all the little gremlins began muttering amongst themselves.

"Look at him! I think I'm in love!"

"Isn't he so sexy? Oh, he must be mine!"

"I think he needs to shave more."

"My head hurts!"

"Ugh, look at that commoner! How repulsive!"

"Do you think he'd marry me?"

"Hello, Rayman!" the crowned gremlin squeaked with a bow as the other gremlins ceaselessly whispered and mumbled. "I am Eric Chevalier, King of the Itty Bitty Teensies! With me is Koji Kondo, Grant Kirkhope, John Williams, and the esteemed Thomas Jefferson!"

Suddenly, Koji Kondo pummeled Eric Chevalier and snatched the crown while the other Itty Bitty Teensies mumbled. "No, _I_ am the King of the Itty Bitty Teensies! And I'd like to ask you to be my significant other!"

Grant Kirkhope body slammed Koji Kondo and stole the crown while Eric began to mumble. "Don't listen to him! _I_ am the King of the Itty Bitty Teensies! You are so madly handsome, please go out with me!"

John Williams karate chopped Grant Kirkhope and acquired the crown. "Please, understand that _I_ am the _real_ King of the Itty Bitty Teensies! I recommend you get a good shaving right away!"

Whilst still mumbling, Thomas Jefferson whacked John Williams with a large hammer and picked up the crown. "They are all false!" he declared. "_I_ am the President of the Itty Bitty Teensies, and you need more money!"

"Hey, I'm the king!" John Williams roared. Soon the Itty Bitty Teensies were tackling, wrestling, and violently beating up each other. Between their insistance of being king, they were always mumbling. Rayman couldn't take it after a few minutes.

"Oh just SHADDUP!" Rayman yelled. "I can't take this anymore! Which one of you is the freakin' king!?"

The Itty Bitty Teensies mumbled hostile words at each other as they all got off of John Williams. Thomas Jefferson unhappily handed the crown to John, who weakly put it on his head. Despite how he got dirty, mutinous looks from all the mumbling Itty Bitty Teensies, the king gremlin cleared his throat and announced, "Rayman, I am the freakin' king of the Itty Bitty Teensies, as you put it."

"Finally," Rayman sighed. "Do you know where Ly the Fairy is?"

"Yes," King Williams nodded. "I do. Ly was attracting people to help us set up a disco ball in our throne room when the tin can pirates came and locked us all up. She's probably being held somewhere at the war front near the coast, near where our revolution is taking place. If you'd like, I can take you to the Front. But be warned, it is very dangerous!"

"I can handle it," Rayman shrugged. "Though it would be nice if I could throw my fist. There's a certain greenbottle I feel like hitting."

"I cannot help you with that," King Williams said above the mumbling of his advisors, "but I can grant you a new power. How would you like to throw magic spheres with your fists? Almost like a gun?"

Rayman's eyes grew wide. "Oooo! That would be lovely!" he cheered.

The King of the Itty Bitty Teensies clapped his hands, and a Silver Lum rose from the hole in the clearing. The Lum launched itself toward Rayman and hit him square in the chest. "From now on, you can throw volleys of magic spheres at will. These spheres will damage any enemy of your's. But anyway..." King Williams waddled onto a pedestal and gazed at the hole. "This hole houses a portal that shall take you to the Front, right along the coast. Seek out the forest beside the Minisaurus Plains; there you shall find my brother. He will know where Ly is." As he clapped his hands, King Williams announced, "A great journey is ahead of you, Rayman. You must exterminate the pirates somehow, and you must save us all! If you ever find yourself needing help, contact the Yellow Lum I sense in your head. She probably will have a good idea of your main objectives." A Silver Lum came from the king's hands and plummetted into the hole. There it exploded, and a giant swirling vortex rose from the hole. Before Rayman could do anything, he vortex sucked him up and he saw the hidden Forest of Light swirling out of sight. Somehow, he knew he'd never return to the forest.


	3. On the Battlefront

**A Word from the Author:** This is one of the most popular chapters in the story as of yet, tied with Chapter 2. Some say this is better, some say it is worse. I like them both the same, but I hope you won't refrain from reviewing! Enjoy, folks!

Oh, and as a side note, anywhere were you see "Prostitute Fairy" in this chapter and Chapter 1, the word "Prostitute" is supposed to actually be crossed out. But while the RaymanZone forums (where I had originally posted these) allows Strikethrough, doesn't. -.-

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**Chapter 3 - On the Battlefront**

The swirling vortex sent Rayman through the very dimension of time and space. He felt himself twisting and contorting, until suddenly it all stopped. Rayman discovered himself to be sitting on a moss-covered boulder laying in a sea-side canyon. Almost like a wedge cut from the earth, the valley he was in was triangular in shape and somewhat small. The beach followed the Iron River right out to the ocean, where a flashing neon sign saying "Do Not Swim!" rose from the rising and falling waves. The sun was bright and the world was happy, though a certain sense of tension hung about quietly, waiting to strike when least expected. The cool ocean breeze nonetheless calmed Rayman, and he continued to sit on the rock for a while.

Just as Rayman was beginning to doze off, something hit him on the head. Dazed for a moment, Rayman looked at what hit him--it was a large, round stone. "Hey!" he yelled. "No throwing rocks!" This led to Rayman getting pelleted by four more rocks. Soon he was out cold.

Rayman's unconciousness lasted for only a short while. As he opened his eyes, he found two large pupils to be staring at him. "Murfy!" Rayman scolded. "Was that _you_ throwing rocks at me!?"

"Oh, um, no it wasn't!" Murfy quickly answered, hiding a boulder in his pocket. "But anyway, guess who's here!"

"You?" Rayman flatly stated.

"It's ME!" Murfy exclaimed while throwing party balloons and confetti in Rayman's face.

"OW!" Rayman yelped. "The confetti got in my eye!"

"It's me, Murfy!" Murfy continued without taking a single notice of Rayman's condition. "Your _favorite_ instructor!"

"I think I need a doctor!"

"Welcome to the Minisaurus Plains, Rayman! We've arrived at the Front, where we are holding a defense against the evil tin can pirates! As you can see, we've been pushed to the very coast of our continent, and yet we shall continue to fight... And one day, in the possibly-near future, we might WIN! ...MAYBE!"

"Murfy, I think my eye is bleeding..."

"These plains are home to the Denys, but more notably the Minisaurus, the ironically named bigger relatives of the Denys! If you didn't already know, Ly the Prostitute Fairy has her house in the forest near here! And if you go over to the other part of the beach not accessible from this spot, you'll arrive at the Pier, where Bzzit once ferried people to the Lost Island. If you run along past the Minisauruses, you'll arrive at the Marshlands. Past Ly's House is the Eastern Plains, where the fight for freedom is going on this very minute! _Doesn't this sound FUN!?_"

Rayman grabbed Murfy's shirt and pulled him closer. "Fix. The. EYE," he roared.

"Okay, okay!" Murfy whimpered. "Take this!" The Greenbottle took out a glowing red orb from his pocket and stuffed it in Rayman's mouth.

"I am a Red Lum," the Red Lum said in Rayman's mind. "I am one of the shattered peaces of the life force of this world. Unlike my stupid cousins the Yellow and Orange Lums, I will reward you for finding my brethren and telling them of the Fairy Council. Whenever you find my friends, they shall recover any injuries you obtained." Suddenly the Red Lum's voice silenced, and Rayman felt healthy once again.

"Alright, Rayman," Murfy squealed with joy, "it is time for you to learn how to swim! You can't get out of this crevice unless you know how. It is easy; the Baby Globox will show you how." Murfy then gestured towards an adolescent Glute.

"Hello, Rayman!" he greeted. "I'll show you how to swim! Just follow me!" The Baby Globox dove into the Iron River and began to swim towards a giant waterfall.

"Food!" Rayman moaned. Rayman dove into the water and hungrily began to swim after the baby, doing everything the Glute did.

"Great job, Rayman!" Murfy cheered. "You're doing great! Now dive into that cave, but hold your breath!" Rayman did as he was told. Otherwise, he'd never catch that baby. "Rayman, there are bubbles coming out of holes in the ground. Eat them! The Blue Lums have been captured by the Pirates; without them, new life can no longer be granted and already the plants are withering. But you can deal with that later; the bubbles do the same thing. You can breathe down there if you eat them!" Rayman ate the bubbles, replenished his air, and exitted the underwater cave. Rayman surfaced and found himself on the other side of the great wall. "Welcome, Rayman, to the REAL Minisaurus Plains!" Murfy chirped. The Baby Globox happily reached a pocket of land and jumped up and down in happiness before suddenly squealing as he realized Rayman was going to eat him. Too late, Baby Globox!

Murfy led Rayman up an inclined ledge that took Rayman to the top of the canyon walls. At the top, a wooden fence was all that laid between Rayman and fields of lush, green meadows and fruiting bushes. The plains were more of a plateau, but that wasn't too important of a detail. A bird flew overhead. Rayman watched it in awe, and saw as it landed on a nearby scarecrow. The scarecrow wasn't very scary, but it had a bulls-eye target on one of its shoulders. "Rayman," Murfy preached, "you've never fought these tin can pirates before. But you can attack them much like this scarecrow! Go on, circle around this scarecrow and shoot its target!"

"Righto!" Rayman excitedly nodded. He'd been waiting to do some fighting. Rayman skipped about the scarecrow, which turned with every target hit. After about seven hits, it had returned to the direction it had faced originally. Rayman stopped for a moment to rest. "That was jolly good fun!" he panted. "I should like to do that again sometime."

"You may soon enough," Murfy grinned. "But for now, go seek the Teensie Circle! It is in the forest across the canyon bridge." The Greenbottle revealed a large key, which he used to unlock the wooden fence's gate.

--

Rayman followed the path leading out from the wooden gate. As he passed through the gate, a floating green orb stopped him. "Rayman!" it said in his mind. "I am a Green Lum! The we and the Purple Lums are the only fragments of the world to have evaded capture, and we wish to help you! The Purple Lums do not yet trust you, but I do! We Green Lums don't have some special mission like the other Lums, but as long as you are healthy we can snatch you from dangerous waters or lava and return you to where you last saw one of us. Don't forget, we are there for you!" The Green Lum flew out of sight, whistling a merry tune.

The plateau path brought Rayman near the fields where the Minisauruses roamed; however, as he reached a fork a sign told him to leave the fields. "Left," it read, "to the Eastern Plains, Ly's House, and the Teensie Circle. Right to the Fairy's Glade, Marshlands, and Pier." Taking a somber glance at the hypnotic Minisaurus Plains, Rayman took the left trail. He crossed a bridge that connected the two sides of the canyon. On this new side, he was greeted by a few Yellow Lums. "Check out the hill," one said. "You may find what you're looking for!"

Before Rayman knew it, trees casted a shadow on him once again. The bright light of the Minisaurus Plains was blanketted out by a coating of trees--he now found himself in a dark forest where light seldom shone. He found himself at another fork. This time, left would take him to Ly's House and the Eastern Plains, while right would take him to the Teensie Circle and some sort of Magic Well. "I'll go check out Ly's House first," Rayman decided aloud. "Wouldn't hurt to see who she's been seeing."

As he walked into a slightly brighter forest path, he heard a yell. "There he is! Get him!" called a robotic voice. From behind giant mushrooms, from behind pebbles, out from behind trees, Rayman found himself circled by large, weapon-weilding tin cans. "A-ha! Rayman! You foolish little girl, you thought you could escape us!" the head tin can cackled. "Well, we've PWNed you! You n00b, we have PWNed you!" Rayman looked for a hole in the mob to escape from, but could find none. "You shouldn't have approached our Eastern Plains Fort! Now you shall regret it! Oh yeah, we got you SO bad! PWNed, baby, PWNed!"

Suddenly, a voice yelled, "Foolish attackers! Eat thy fury! REVOLUTION!!" Running out from where Rayman had just came from was a giant man with great muscular arms. The giant pummeled the head tin can pirate; the others ran away back to the Eastern Plains. Rayman exhaled deeply, then looked to his friend.

"Thanks a lot, Clark. I could have been PWNed if it weren't for you."

"Pay up!" Clark said, extending a hand. "I came because you never paid Murfy for the lesson!"

"Oh yeah..." Rayman sighed. Murfy seemed to be able to enlist anybody to collect his dues. Rayman gloomily handed over the money to Clark.

"So what were you doing heading to the pirates' stronghold?" Clark asked casually.

"Well, I wanted to see Ly's House. To my understanding, she had some midnight fun with Darth Globox, so I wanted to see who else she's been 'visiting.'"

"Rayman, I have to forbid you from going over there. The Eastern Plains is a very dangerous place right now, even for me. So you go run along and play with your dollies elsewhere." Rayman knew he'd have no chance getting by Clark, so he slinked away back to the forest fork.

--

Rayman ascended the hill in the forest. At the top was what looked like Stonehenge (except Rayman didn't know what that was). Slabs of stone stood on top of each other in a strange, holy display. A crowned Itty Bitty Teensie strolled towards Rayman. "Hello hello, Rayman!" the Itty Bitty Teensie greeted with a bow. "I am the Governor of the Minisaurus Plains! It has been really hard keeping this haven away from the pirates, but at the moment we're still holding it safe. How goes your day?"

"Well," Rayman began, "a few days ago, I was captured by the tin can pirates when they saw me making out with Space Mama. The pirates hauled me to their prison ship, the _Can Opener_, where I was held captive until Ly tricked Darth Globox into getting captured so as to rescue me. We were seperated shortly after, and after two or three days I met your king and his advisors in the Forest of Light. They warped me to the Minisaurus Plains and told me to find you; first, however, I took a detour to see Ly's House. I was ambushed by some n00bish tin can pirates and Clark saved me for a price. Then I came back to see you."

"I see," the Governor hummed. "Well, what can I do for you?"

"I was wondering where Ly was, actually," Rayman requested.

"Last I saw of her was a few nights ago when she and I were making out by the Magic Well. We heard a noise and so we hid; however, Ly gave off too many sexy rays that attracted the tin can pirates' Lady Detector. She was dragged away, muttering something about killing me when she escaped. I do believe the pirates took her through a tunnel just beneath the Minisaurus Plains, to a wetland known as the Fairy's Glade."

"I can't believe she'd do you when pirates took me..." Rayman mumbled. "That two timing witch... I should have stuck with Tily the Under-Appreciated Fairy, she's more reliable. Where did you say the Fairy's Glade was?"

"Just go back to the Minisaurus Plains and head further into the plateau. A fork will take you left and down into a tunnel away from the Marshlands."

"Gotcha!" With haste, Rayman dashed back to the Plains. He could only hope he wasn't too late to punish the girl that dumped him for a gremlin.


	4. Rayman Thinks About the Environment

**A Word from the Author:** This chapter is shorter than the others, but never fear! It is still good! I just hope everything turns out okay; I don't know what possessed me to use the Tab key on WordPad, but in any case this was tedious to edit. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 4: Rayman Thinks About Environmental Awareness**

Tilly the Under-Appreciated Fairy was about to make a cameo appearance when Rayman entered the Fairy's Glade. As is typical in a single-player video game, the camera (of which we are staring through) instantaneously focused on him and Tilly was yet again forgotten.

Rayman had been to the Fairy's Glade before, and it was a comforting sight. The island with the giant purple mushroom was one of his favorite haunts, and he especially like the strange arrow that seemed to point at the mushroom for unknown yet certainly sinister reasons. Oh how he pondered as to what that arrow was talking about. Surely it was plotting against him. Yes, this was no ordinary arrow. It was a _Communist_ arrow! Rayman decided that if any evil tin cans were to be defeated, the evil of the Communist arrow had to be stopped. He'd be a hero!

Rayman ran toward the arrow but tripped on a conveniently located hand-standing frog (surely, Rayman thought, it was a Communist too!) and landed on the mushroom. With a sudden jolt he was launched upwards and banged his head on an overlying log. "OUCH!" Rayman yelped. The concussion knocked him out entirely. Perhaps the arrow succeeded in its evil plan?

But of course, we all know that the arrow was just a silly video game mechanic used to point at interesting spots. Unfortunately, Rayman has the awareness of a shovel.

--

When Rayman regained consciousness (three days later), he decided to let the evil Communist arrow have mercy. He leaped to a little bit of land across the river surrounding the island. At the top of the hill he arrived at was a closed gate and two tasty little morsels known as Glutes. Upon seeing Rayman, the two Baby Globoxes instinctfully cheered. "Rayman," they called, "use the vines on the log to reach the switch opening the gate!" Rayman thanked the Baby Globoxes by eating both of them in a single chomp. Quite full (the concussion had made him very hungry), he decided to jump on the mushroom in a careful fashion. Rayman did just that, and before he knew it he was hanging on vines dangling from the log. "Oh, if only this were a video game!" he exclaimed. "Then I'd have just automatically grabbed these vines instead of banging my head!"

--

The vines brought him to a small tunnel. At the end of the tunnel was a grotto full of water. Who should be there but Globox? "Lord Globox!" Rayman cheered. "I've found you at last!" It was customary for the two to bang their stomachs together when meeting eachother after a long time. Globox instinctively did this in happiness. Oh, they were together again at last! Unfortunately, the gluttonous devouring of baby glutes lately had made Rayman heavier than he had been in days back. Instead of just bouncing off each other, Rayman didn't bounce at all and Globox bounced too far back. With a splash he crashed into the water. "Aaaah, Rayman, help!" the dark lord cried. "There's piranhas in this pool!" Rayman just stood there in shock. "Rayman, no! Come to my rescue! Don't just stand there, you fool!" The piranhas carried Globox away down a river into another tunnel. Bye-bye, Lord Globox!

Let's just be honest. Rayman was standing there because Lord Globox owed him a penny. Suddenly, Murfy appeared! "Rayman, Rayman!" he said in his geeky voice. "These waters aren't for swimming! _Piranhas_ live in them!" Rayman tossed Murfy in too.

--

After carefully hopping across the pond via lilypads, Rayman found some platforms to jump up. In a stair-like fashion they brought him up to another tunnel, high above the ground. Inside was a Tin Can Pirate! He was sleeping on the job, the lazy bum! Rayman couldn't stand for lazy evil henchmen, so he gave the Tin Can Pirate what was coming to him. With a great shove from behind, Rayman sent the pirate into the gloom of the piranha-infested pond, crashing into Tilly the Under-Appreciated Fairy as he fell.

At the end of the tunnel was a trafficlight with a big red flipper on it. "Oh, I just _can't_ resist!" Rayman joyfully squealed. He smacked that baby and the traffic light turned on. Down beneath the log (of which he was now on top of), the gate opened. At the other end of the gate was a murky, polluted lake. By it stood a Tin Can Pirate reading Pollution for Dummies. Rayman couldn't help grinning when the struggling, drowning pirate revealed to him that piranhas were in these waters too. Rayman really should never be a lifeguard; he's always pushing people in!

But Rayman wasn't a fan of pollution. "Look at these waters!" he grumbled. "Those tin cans have no manners! Probably just a bunch of oil can pirates." He particularly grimaced at the giant pump spewing oil and tar into the lake. Not only was it gross and harmful, but it stunk too. Rayman probably would never have gotten any closer to it, but a great big neon sign saying "This way to Ly's Prison" stood by a tunnel directly above the pump. Plugging his nose, Rayman ran as fast as he could toward that stinky pump. He jumped with all his might and _just_ made it onto the pump. Almost bursting for air, Rayman hurried into the tunnel, fighting off Dusty Bunny Caterpillars as he did.


	5. Ly the Prostitute

**A Word from the Author:** Ah, transferred this from the RaymanZone forums. It was nice, I got to re-read my favorite parts from this chapter. I think you are all in for a treat. There's some great stuff in here. Enjoy!

* * *

**WARNING! CONTAINS SOME ADULT THEMES! Nothing X rated, but...yeah.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Ly the Prostitute**

Computers detected a presence outside the fortress. "Captain Can Opener!" said a voice. "Permission to surround the intruder?"

"Not yet," said another voice, just as mechanical as the first. "The n00b is walking into a trap. Let him come to us!"

"Ha ha, that n00b! He doesn't know what he's getting into!"

"Shouldn't you be guarding the prisoner, n00b?"

"Uh, yes, I guess I should! Captain Can Opener, I leave you now!" With a salute, the first voice left.

"Rayman, you n00b," the second voice said to nobody. "How far can we push you? How far can we prove your n00bness? You n00b."

-

It was almost midnight when Rayman encountered his destination. A blot in the dark-blue night, a large wooden structure obstructed the sky. It was on the edge of a cliff overlooking a swamp. Rayman gulped as he peeked over the cliff's edge. "I never was a fan of heights..." he muttered. Poor Rayman stood on a narrow ledge going up the side of the cliff. The fortress loomed at the top of the cliff above his disembodied head, moonlight hitting the splinters on its surface. Rayman had come from a gap in the forest of Dust Bunny Caterpillars, but the smell of hallucogenic mushrooms had lured him to the fortress' side. Down this narrow ledge, Rayman was sure that the tasty illegal drugs were just ripe for the picking.

Refusing to peek over the edge a second time, Rayman slowly crossed. At the end of the ledge was a large, yellow mushroom. Rayman was about to eat it when he realized it was spoiled. "These mushrooms are rotting!" he remarked in sadness. "They need rain, and there isn't a cloud in the sky!" Heart broken, Rayman snuck back up the ledge and onto the clifftop. "Those Tin Cans will pay for robbing those illegal drugs of their rain!" he growled.

As he approached the fortress' doors, though, a spotlight flashed on. "Halt, you n00b!" said a robotic voice. Rayman looked up. Atop one of the fortress' walls stood a Tin Can Pirate, too high to hit. "n00bs are trespassers, and I the guard will gladly punish them!" Rayman jumped out of the way as a flaming barrel full of vodka smashed into the spot where he had been standing. That Tin Can Pirate was lobbing barrels at him! And worst yet, they were _vodka_ barrels! This wasn't just an attack; it was sacrilege! Oh, if only the Dark Lord Polokus was here!

But then a smile spread across Rayman's face. The pirate laughed, "Ha ha, you are such a n00b!" Evidently, the pirate didn't realize the mistake it made. Almost like a blessing from Polokus, the acidic vodka had dissolved the ground, revealing a hole Rayman could escape through. For just a moment, the Tin Can Pirate blinked--just long enough for Rayman to dart into the hole. The pirate believed Rayman to be disintegrated.

-

Disembodied hands pulled up Rayman's body. The hole had taken Rayman into the fortress' sewers, a convenient secret passage into the stronghold. Quickly Rayman covered up his means of entry and hid behind some barrels of vodka. He was in the cafeteria, apparently. The Tin Can Pirates were holding a celebration. "Hooray, we PWNed a n00b!" the pirates cheered. "You mean _I_ PWNed a n00b," the fortress guard reminded them.

"But how shall we celebrate?" asked another.

"We could gank another n00b," offered a third. "I hear they've captured a tubby fella in the Canopy up in the mountains."

"I have a better idea," suggested a fourth. "We have our own prisoner, don't we? That hot babe. You know...what's her name...Tilly! No, uh...Betilla? Betina?"

"Ly!" Rayman quietly hinted.

"Oh, now I remember! That hot babe's name was Ly! Let's gank Ly!"

"We can't," said a fifth somberly. "That sexy tush of her's already has a purpose. The Captain says Ly's scheduled to be a guinea pig for a weapon they're testing out over by the mines."

"Ooo, what weapon would that be?" asked the second.

"Confidential information. All I know is that it looks like a barrel and it can do some serious ganking."

"Speaking of barrels," said the guard, "the hero wants some vodka. Gimmie a barrel, n00b!"

A Tin Can Pirate approached the place where Rayman was hiding. "Oh jeez," Rayman yelped as the barrel he was hiding behind was lifted. "HEY!" the pirate yelled. "A N00B! PWN HIM!" All the pirates started shooting at Rayman, but the limbless wonder was too quick for the inexperienced pirates. A guard different from the earlier one had been at a post, but upon discovering that some lamo had been found in the fortress he left it. Now Rayman darted through and hurried down a corridor, a whole party of Tin Can Pirates at his heel.

-

When Rayman arrived in the basement, he stopped abruptly. He was pushed to the floor, though, as the following Tin Can Pirates crashed into him. "Whaddya stop for, ya n00b?" one asked. "Yer supposed to get away!"

"Look!" Rayman pointed. Across the room, Admiral Sharpstache was making out with a very naked Ly the Fairy (not that she wasn't naked to begin with). "Oh!" the robotic admiral moaned. "This was so worth the money!" All the Tin Can Pirates stared. Rayman stared. Tilly the Under-Appreciated Fairy stared jealously through a conveniently located window. Ly groaned in pleasure. "Oh Admiral," she said very suggestively, "you make my magic spark!"

"Um, excuse me," Rayman interrupted as he pushed the pirates off of him. He walked over and tapped Ly on the shoulder. "Ly, I've been chased by a bunch of n00bish pirates. Aren't you going to help me?"

Ly jumped up in surprise. "Rayman! I didn't expect to see you here!" she blushed as Admiral Sharpstache teleported away. "What do you need, you sexy stallion you?"

"Ly, look at all these pirates! I need your sexy manner of helping!" Rayman urged.

"Okay," Ly smiled. "I'll make those pirates go away!" Suddenly a disco ball dropped from the ceiling and the room lit up with rainbow colors. Ly was suddenly dressed in disco-style clothing. "Hey guys!" she called to the Tin Can Pirates. "Let's do the Walk of Power!" In an explosion of color, the surroundings shattered away, revealing a misty river amongst lush grassy islands. The pirates gazed in amazement, hardly noticing they too wore disco stuff. "Come on!" Ly tempted. "If insane rabbits can get their groove on, so can you! Let's do the dance!"

Some groovy music started to play from nowhere. Ly began power walking in place, hips swinging this way and that. A Tin Can Pirate suddenly found itself tapping its foot. Finally, the heroic guard called out, "Come on, n00bs! Let's do the Walk of Power dance!" And so they too started getting their groove on with that rhythmic walk-in-place, following Ly's example. As they danced, Ly tossed Rayman a Wiimote and a Nunchuk. "Rayman, you know what to do!" she whispered.

"Make out with Sir Rigatoni again?" Rayman asked.

"No, the other thing!" she said with a chuckle. She hadn't forgotten Rayman's affair with Rigatoni.

Rayman realized what she was talking about. He hurried onto a floating lilypad and strapped on the Wiimote. "Dance, you smexy cans!" Ly encouraged the suckers. Rayman swung the Wiimote and Nunchuk alternatively to the rhythm. Nothing happened at first, but soon something strange and wonderful began to happen. Outside, Tilly the Under-Appreciated Fairy saw a light. Could this be Michel Ancel, finally coming to give Tilly the attention she deserves? Actually, it was the light on Betilla the Big Bad Fairy's motorcycle. Tilly was run over.

Something else that was strange and wonderful happened to! After a while, Ly's magic began working its magic (odd phrase, isn't it?). When Rayman tilted his Wiimote and Nunchuk, Tin Can Pirates began to vaporize. By the end of the song, they had all been vaporized. Success!

-

Soon after, Rayman and Ly found themselves in the dark basement of the fortress once again. After having some raunchy "fun," Rayman zipped up his clothes and spoke with Ly about the pirates. "They are so nasty," he sighed. "How shall we ever get rid of them?"

"Rayman," Ly whispered enthusiastically. "Have you ever heard of Polokus? He is the spirit of our world, and is very powerful!"

"Are you suggesting that I don't know who Polokus is, despite how he rules every single aspect of our lives with an iron fist? How stupid do you think I am!?"

"Exceedingly stupid," Ly answered.

Suddenly an Itty Bitty Teensie appeared out of nowhere. "Congratulations!" he exclaimed. "That was the final question! Ly, you've won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!" Confetti fell out of nowhere, celebrating Ly getting the correct answer. After Ly gushed over her new money, she told Rayman, "Seek out Lord Polokus' masks. Only they can bring the Dark Lord back to get rid of the pirates!" With that, Ly hopped into a limosine and drove away magically.

-

It was time for Rayman to escape the fortress. He found another door to the sewers and used it. This time, however, Rayman was at the sewer's end, where polluted water flowed out of pipes and into the Iron River. Far below, Rayman saw the faint outline of Murfy as the wuss freaked out over the water, which dragged him on and on. Across a bridge was a cage. An Itty Bitty Teensie squeaked from the cage, "Rayman, please save me!" Rayman obeyed and set the Itty Bitty Teensie free.

"Rayman," the big hat-wearing Itty Bitty Teensie announced, "I am Gerald from the Friends of the Glutes Association. It is to my understanding that you have been devouring baby glutes in excess. I have a petition here. You will see that it has been signed by many people, all of which would like you to stop eating Globox's children on a fan-fic. Please listen to our pleas and stop this nonsense!" Suddenly a portal appeared. "In return for your kindness, I have prepared this portal to bring you back to the Front! So, what do you say?"

Rayman replied by grabbing the clipboard with the petition and throwing it over the edge of the bridge. "No!" the Itty Bitty Teensie squeaked in his squeaky voice, "My petition! My life's work! No!" In a desperate effort to save the petition, the Itty Bitty Teensie jumped off the edge of the bridge and followed the petition down into the deadly waters below. Shrugging off the Itty Bitty Teensie from the Friends of the Glutes Association, Rayman hurried off into the portal.

* * *

**A Word from the Author:** If you didn't catch that, the Walk of Life sequence was a nod to _Rayman Raving Rabbids_. Also, this is the chapter that finally got me to write _Revolution_.


	6. Rotten Tomatoes

**A Word from the Author:** When I read this fan-fic to my brother, he pointed out a whole bunch of things that I could have done to make things funnier. So I went to him for a bit of advice before posting this. I was inspired by a few of his ideas, and what I came up with in the end was pretty awesome, so this is dedicated to him.

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**Chapter 6: Rotten Tomatoes**

Once upon a time there was a writer named Dreyfus. Dreyfus was very fearful of transition sequences, because he never enjoyed writing them. So one night he huddled up in the closet and plotted a way to go straight to where he wanted to write about...

Rayman suddenly found himself in a swampy location. "Gee, that was weird," Rayman remarked. "I was sure that portal was supposed to lead back to the Teensie Circle... I sure hope the writer of this fan-fic wasn't lazy..." He sighed and scratched his head. "Or that I'm not crazy..."

Rayman decided to look around. He was in a dense, forested swamp. The water was green and murky and everywhere. Why, there was hardly any land at all! What a massive river! "Must be in the Bayou," Rayman grumbled. "I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until Act 3... Oh well. Might as well make the best of it." Rayman was about to take a step forward when

-

Admiral Sharpstache sat in his chair, sulking. "My my," he said to his subordinate, "that was a close one. I just hope nobody tells my wife I've been seeing a prostitute..." Realizing the subordinate was a potential tattle-tale, Admiral Sharpstache quickly changed the subject. "Uh, anyway, what's up, uh, doc?"

"Well," the lackey began, "the Tin Terrors just beat the Aluminum Avengers in the World Series. It was 10 to 9, very tight! On Tuesday our team, the Tin Terrors, will go on to duke it out with the Bronze Battalion. It should be an easy win."

"That's, uh, very interesting," the Admiral lied. "So what else was going on while you were playing hooky and watching Disc Football like you weren't supposed to?"

"Well, that lamo Rayman busted Ly out. He's probably off to save Mos--uh, Bzzit--from our interrogators."

"I see... Where is Bzzit now?"

"In the Bayou, sir! Rayman's there!"

"Blast, he's _good_! We should have locked him up!"

"We did sir; in fact, you did it personally!"

"I did? Oh, uh, oh yeah! I did! Curse you, Rayman! Escape should be illegal!" Admiral Sharpstache snatched a conveniently located Yellow Lum, which until then was getting all cozied up to a Purple Lum. The Admiral proceeded to devour the Yellow Lum. Heartbroken, the Purple Lum flew away crying, only to crash into a wall and faint. Meanwhile, however, a dark shadow ingulfed the room. An unspeakable terror now made its presence known. A terror so horrifying that while being digested little baby Globoxes could have been heard screaming from Rayman's stomach had he been in the presence of this terror. It was none other then the completely horrifying angry housewife, a must-have accessory in any modern home. This one-of-a-kind product is sure to scare away any neighbors, and probably even put shivers up your spine as well! Costing only a fortune, the Spuringline Enraged Pepperpot, from the makers of the #1-rated stapler, is not available in stores! Call the number below or go to www.Iwantabadmarraige.fr to get your's today! Plus, if you call now, we'll send you a free Cranky Toddler with your order (just pay shipping and handling). Hurry, while stocks last! The number is:  
01-9-MAD-WIFE

"Shnoogums! What are you doing here?" Admiral Sharpstache gasped. "Shouldn't you be in the closet?"

"Oh don't give me that garbage!" Sharpbride snapped. "I want an explanation, and I want it now! I know what you've been up to, Harold Sharpstache!"

The Admiral panicked. Did Sharpbride know about Ly!? "Um, what are you talking about Barbara? What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean, Harold!"

"I...I can explain!"

"Then hurry up!"

"Well, there was this ad in the newspaper about a woman for 10,000 euros offering a pleasurable--"

"What are you talking about? I was here to scold you about the missing World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Bananas! I bought 10 yesterday while we were invading the Marshes of Rude Awakening, and now they're all gone! Don't you dare blame the Ape Pirates, I know it was you!"

Hoping his affair with Ly wouldn't be remembered, the Admiral scurried to find some excuse as to why the World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Bananas were gone. "Well, um..." he began. Suddenly, he got an idea! "Well you see, this lamo named Rayman was locked up, right? Well, he escaped. And before leaving he ate all your World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Bananas! And then he threw out the World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Banana Peels!"

"He can't do that!" Sharpbride screeched. "Everybody knows your not allowed to throw away World Famous Banana Peels! Why, when our Cranky Toddler did that to the World Famous Fairy Council Purple Banana Peels, he blew the Heart of the World up! And I was wanting to keep it as a souvenier! We have to kill that Rayman, Harold, before he ruins everything!"

"But what shall we do, Barbara? He's already busted out a woman I've never had an affair with from the Fairy Glade!"

"Send the warships, Harold! Blow him out of the swamp! And that's an order!"

Meanwhile, Sharpstache's lackey was busy constructing a horrible monster of his own...

-

Rayman popped out of the portal and back into the Teensie Circle. "What the heck!?" he gasped. "Just a minute ago the writer was lazy and sent me to the Bayou! What am I doing back here?"

"He changed his mind, handsome," a nearby Itty Bitty Teensie explained. "Everybody knows that."

"Well I didn't," Rayman grumbled.

"That's because you're exceedingly stupid, weren't you watching _Who Doesn't Want to be a Millionaire_? That was the answer to the final question, your IQ!"

Rayman looked around. "Say, long face, where's ol' twinkle toes. You know, the governor guy? Isn't he supposed to be head of this place?"

"Oh, him? Well, cutie, the last time I saw him a rabid fairy jumped out of a limosine and said something like, 'I told you I'd kill you when I escaped!' Then she fired a laser from her eyes and disintegrated him! I'm the replacement, and I'd like you to marry me!"

"Actually, I have to be going," Rayman lied. "Uh, the writer put me in the Bayou, and I sure as heck would rather there than here."

"But don't you love me?"

"Sorry, but no."

"I thought we had something special! What about all those times we shared together?"

"We didn't share any time together, bub."

"Don't think I don't remember that time watching the sunset! And _my name isn't Bub_! It's George Washington! You can't even remember my own name! You've changed, Rayman, you've changed!"

"Uh, I really have to be going somewhere right now..."

"What about the kids? Don't they mean anything to you?"

"WHAT KIDS!?"

"Don't pretend they don't exist!"

"Seriously, George Washington, they don't. I _really_ have to be going."

"But what about me? What about _us_!?"

"I don't know. I'm done with you, uh, sweetheart," Rayman muttered. George Washington made a quivering gasp of sorrow and shock. His poor little Itty Bitty Teensie mind couldn't stand it. He ubruptly fainted. Rayman gestured a gesture of success and whispered "_Yesssss_" before scurrying away back to the Bayou.

-

As Rayman returned to the Bayou, he heard a familiar buzzing sound. To go with it, was a familiar sound of diabolical low-budget laughter. It was a very disturbing and unpleasing sound. Rayman suddenly wished he could have been anywhere but with George Washington or the buzzing sound. He remembered that laugh... It had terrible voice-to-mouth syncing, and hardly matched the source at all. Something really had to be done, but that was for later. For now, he paranoidly darted his eyes back and forth, searching for the terror that was nigh.

Suddenly, out of nowhere a large purple mosquito appeared. Hark! Who should it be but the unscathingly determined MOSKITO! (cue suspense jingle) "Moskito!" Rayman hissed. "It can't be you!"

"None other than I, Rayman," Moskito cackled. But he glanced around and bent towards the limbless lamo and whispered, "You may want to be quiet about the 'Moskito' thing, though. I'm going undercover as 'Bzzit, the Moskito Cameo Appearance.' If people knew it was me, then it wouldn't be a secret cameo, now would it? So keep my real name quiet and call me Bzzit!"

"Okay, Bzzit," Rayman happily agreed. "Anything for you, buddy. Now, where were we... Oh yes! So, Bzzit, you show your face at last! I should have known your putrid face would be buzzing around here! What is it you want?"

"_Revenge_, Rayman, revenge. I haven't forgotten what you did to me in my nest back in the prequel to this rediculously silly story that we are now in. I want pay back for the damage you caused! That, and I'm on the run from the tin can pirates. Apparently, they're angry that I haven't paid my taxes. And any time now, they'll realize that I jacked the World Famous Cave of Bad Dreams Bananas that I stole from them. So I'm really in for it! Also, the big boss Ancel says that I'll survive through the end of this overly silly story if I advertise the up-coming _Rayman Advance_ by making cameo appearances in his games. So I've got loads of reasons to be here, but only one reason to kill you! You're special!"

"I know I'm special, Bzzit, but that's no excuse for you to throw tomatoes at me. I'm a better actor than you'll ever be. I still haven't revealed that the only reason why I'm in this game is that I bribed Ancel. The moment I quit bribing him, he'll go back to his original _Rayman 2_ idea and make me dance with _bunnies_. Luckily, nobody knows my dirty secret."

"_What_!? Ancel's gonna make a...dare I say it..._spin-off_!? Say it isn't so!" Moskito shuddered.

"It is. And it involves...a _bad storyline_!"

"No! Stop that! You'll give me nightmares!"

"And nobody will be in it but rabbits, tasty morsels known as glutes, and me. And I won't be as popular as I was before."

"Grrr, your games always make a mess of things! No more talk! Now we battle!"

"Bring it on, bug boy!" Rayman challenged. "I'm not afraid of your tomatoes!"

"How many times do I have to tell you!? They aren't tomatoes! They're _ULTRA-COOL PRICKLY PLANTS OF DOOM AND GRAPHIC DEATH 3000_! And I got the latest model just to make you kick the bucket! I even took over the Friends of the Bucket Association and blew it up, just so that you could kick that bucket!" With that, Moskito made an evil, evil laugh! Oh he was so happy! The next minute, however, Rayman proceeded to kick Moskito's insectoid butt 2,000 times. Once the minute was over, Rayman happily smiled and started walking away. But Moskito wasn't through with Rayman. "Wait, Rayman!" the bug cackled. "I have something to tell you. Your mother is obsessed with _The Drug Dealing Wizard of Lawz_, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"Because. Word has it she disowned you...for a pair of ruby cooking mittens! Hah! Who's got the last laugh now?"

"The readers, probably," Rayman muttered. He realized how terrible the news was, though, and ran away bursting in tears. Not even paying attention to where he was going, he ran right into a cage and broke it. Out popped an Itty Bitty Teensie wearing a flamboyant hat. "Yo, Rayman, I'm Edward, the President of the Moskito Fan Club! I hear you're his arch-enemy who he now wishes to destroy violently with high-tech vegetables!" the Itty Bitty Teensie declared. "Can I have your autograph, big boy? I'll even throw in this portal..." A Magic Spiral Door opened up beside a tree. Rayman, proud of his status as Most Wanted by Moskito, signed his name on the Itty Bitty Teensie's incredulously long nose and gratefully hopped into the portal. Only as he spiraled back to the Teensie Circle did he remember George Washington.

* * *

**A Word from the Author:** I hope I got the French Phone Number style right... I hope you enjoyed it! There's a bunch of references to the prequel, _Rayman - How Things Should Have Been_, so I hope you were able to pick them all out. Reviews always welcome and appreciated.


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